so....

[merideath]

Things keep swirling about my head, stories and blackness, and swirling chaos. I have had a few weeks of good weather and a good mood, no depression but the winter was bleak and I had a few very bad weeks awhile back. this LJ is meant for those writings that I don't share on my other blog, which is sort of my happy place, or my writing blog because thats mainly drabbles and not the place for random SPN fics. I'm wriing this here because I cant write about the depression there without upsetting friends and family but here is a much smaller circle of friends and I can let the darkness out a bit more.

I know I need to go to the doctor again about the depression as I haven't been for years but right now I'm doing ok, I'm not crying every day and thigns are good I have had happy days. I still hate it here more than I think I should at that is down to me missing the states so much, missing my parents, the dogs, and my friends in California. I talked to my mom last night end ended up sobbing for half an hour after because she had been upset and made me feel upset and guilty. and me crying upset M and H because there was nothing they could do about it. I'm ok today just feel a bit burnt out.. I have some parcels to wrap and take to the post office and H is arguing witht he kids on the street so i will need to go referee but I jsut need a place to shout out and vent and not upset anyone.

I have no idea where this is going and I'm sorry if you stumbled on here and it makes no sense.. I'm not entirely sure I make any sense at the moment...I need a coffee now.. more later maybe..I dont really know.

Comments

[blottedcopybook.livejournal.com]

Oh, Apryl.

Would Matt consider moving to the States? Even for a little while? x

[merigirl.livejournal.com]

in a few years maybe... maybe...I dont know.. its our/his buisness and things were better before H was of school age when we could go to the states for 3-4 weeks at a time and I would get my fill of american-ness... its seems to get harder every year.. but this going once a year is killing me bit by bit.. I think its why Matt agreed to two weeks in October .. we have book 6-7 days off of school.. but it jsut dosent seem like enough.. its going to be bad when I leave my parents house for the long drive to seattle... the funny thing is I moved here becuase I loved matt and needed to be away from my parents and now would give anything to be back in the states near them.. though My mother drives me batshit half the time.

sometimes I think I must be crazy